I wish I could blame it on the Oreo’s but I can’t!

 

It all started out innocently enough, pouring milk for my grandchildren and placing a plate of Oreo’s on the table for dipping, when the demons from my past showed up and I had to walk away to regroup.  You see, I am a recovering bulimic and at the age of 57 I have struggled with this addition for 40 years.  The funny thing is this, out of all of the cookies in the world, Oreo’s are my least favorite.  The package says, “Milk’s favorite cookie,” when in reality I would rather dunk a graham cracker any day.  I struggle daily with food issues and yet to those who don’t know of my addition, I just appear to pick at my food and would rather have a good cup of coffee and conversation.  I have come along way since my days of popping laxatives like they were candy and bringing up everything I ate within minutes of eating it.  I had become proficient at covering my tracks and keeping my secret from everyone including those closest to me.  Fear is a strong motivator for deceit.  I was fearful of what people would think and ashamed of my actions and yet it was that very fear that kept me in bondage. Twenty plus years ago I had a break through and came out of hiding, emotionally stripping myself naked.  Then and only then did I begin to deal with my issues, seek out help and start down a path of recovery, but the fact remains, I will forever be a bulimic even if I never take another laxative or force myself to vomit again,and that plate of Oreo’s reminded me of that.  Things have been weighing heavily on my mind lately and I have pushed them aside rather than delve into finding resolution.  This is a dangerous thing to do when you have addictive tendencies because the very addiction that will do you harm, also offers the quickest fix and once you give in, the cycle begins again.  It is like being on a  ferris wheel that forgets to stop and let you off, it just keeps going around and around.  As I walked away from the plate of Oreo’s and forced myself to slow down and address what I was feeling, I knew I had to tell myself that it wasn’t the Oreo’s I wanted but rather the comfort they appeared to offer because I was feeling a little emotionally raw at the moment.  After what seemed like an eternity but in reality was less than ten minutes I was able to put the milk in the fridge and the Oreo’s back in the pantry.  Fear and shame didn’t conquer me this time but I am fully aware that the battle is ongoing. Addiction steals from the addicted with promises that will never be met.  It doesn’t matter if these promises come in the form of food, booze, pills, shopping, sex or anything else, addiction is a thief and an unfaithful life partner that isn’t willing to let go of you without a fight. The Oreo crumbs on the table reminded me of that fact and as I brushed them away, I was thankful that this time they were the ones being discarded and not my recovery.  I knew in that moment it would be so easy to blame all of my disappointments on a silly package of Oreo’s but I couldn’t. I am responsible for how I handle the bumps and hurdles in life, one else, just me, but at that very moment I had won a small victory and that was all that mattered, the here and now.