Regrets

Regret:( to feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity). This is one definition of regret and I think it sums up my personal definition of “all” the regrets of my life.  The older I get the “regrets of things not done” anger me more than the regrets over the things I have done.  Missed opportunities, the “what ifs” of life are constantly creeping into my daily thoughts.  In my case, my own insecurities are what  have held me back  in life.  I was and still am to some degree my own worst enemy.  In times of war, the opposing party tries to “get into” the minds of their enemies, to strategize what their next move might be.  This is hard to do when your mind IS the enemy camp!  I realize that it is pointless and not productive to dwell on the past since I can’t time travel back and change any of it; and if I could change the past, how much of what I love about the present would never come to fruition.  So, what’s a middle-aged woman to do?  I can sulk, which is very unbecoming at my age, or I can look towards the future.  Since I am not dead yet, I guess there is time to review those regrets and see which doors have been closed to me forever and which ones are still open for me to walk through.  My Insecurities are my internal prison guards and perhaps it is time to stage a revolt, bust out of those chains and soar like an eagle.  Sounds good, but in reality I have been held captive for too long, a victim of “Stockholm Syndrome.”  I have begun to agree and even help out my insecurities, I have joined their cause and wear the tee-shirt.  As this mental conversation takes place, I counter with,”Wait a minute, what about freewill and why am I not exercising mine?”  “Good question, wish I had the answer.” is my only reply.  Today I am stuck in the quagmire of regret, but if I proceed to gently pull myself up and crawl toward solid ground, I will make it.  The key is to focus on the ground in front of me and not struggle with the murkiness that surrounds me, letting it pull me back under.  I am struggling, but still alive and as long as I have a semblance of a future, I can shape what is left of my destiny, free of regrets….Wish me luck for land is in site and I am heading there.

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